Please Read to Understand
Please remember me by the life I’ve lived, rather than how my life may end. I know to many of you, my eventual death will come as a startling surprise, and for that I am truly sorry.
As a survivor of suicide loss, I know how hard the sudden loss hurts and I recognize that my pain will leave an indelible mark on those in my life if I do end mine by suicide.
Please try to take comfort in knowing that this is not a decision made on a whim, but instead one made with careful thought and consideration. And is one yet to be decided upon, as my ideations remain passive and have not reached an active planning stage.
My life has been filled with profound loss, trauma, and suffering - a life that many would pity if they truly knew everything I’ve endured and the constant reminders that run through my mind.
For the longest time, living was harm reduction for me to protect those around me. But now, death feels more like a friend than a formidable foe.
This world has grown so dark and bleak, it’s nearly impossible to see a future worth living in.
Our country is more blatantly fascist and Zionist than I could’ve ever imagined. I’ve dedicated the last several years of my life to fighting against the impending rise of fascism in the United States, and challenging Zionism domestically and abroad.
I watched as the world witnessed the livestream of an active duty service member, only for her message and memory to be hidden in the shadows.
Lilly Bushnell was a revolutionary, she sacrificed everything to give us an opportunity to see the world for what it was before it was too late. Even then she hid her gender identity, by self-immolating in her military uniform and self-identifying as Aaron Bushnell in hopes that her message would have more resonance if she presented herself as a cis-man:
"My name is Aaron Bushnell, I am an active-duty member of the United States Air Force and I will no longer be complicit in genocide," she said.
"I am about to engage in an extreme act of protest but compared to what people have been experiencing in Palestine at the hands of their colonizers, it's not extreme at all. This is what our ruling class has decided will be normal."
Her final act of resistance was not only a call to Free Palestine, but was a wake up call as Lilly shared in a final post on Facebook, "Many of us like to ask ourselves, 'What would I do if I was alive during slavery? Or the Jim Crow South? Or apartheid? What would I do if my country was committing genocide?' The answer is, you're doing it. Right now."
And I truly believe Lilly was at the same point I am at, she saw that we were doomed if there were not a catalyzing force to spark a revolution.
So Lilly quite literally attempted to make herself that spark, and in doing so she has risen from the ashes like a phoenix. That’s why her nomme de guerre was LillyAnarKitty.
As for me, my beloved name (although not legally changed) is Ali Hart. It was originally a pen name which grew on me and has suited me well - although not everyone uses it.
What many don’t know is that this name was carefully chosen to honor transgender history as well as anti-war sentiments.
Ali was after Muhammad Ali, a fierce anti-war hero and famous fighter.
Hart was after Dr. Alan Hart, a transmasc physician that discovered a way to diagnose tuberculosis via x-ray.
I know this feels more like an autobiography than an entry on suicidal ideations, but I am not one to make decisions on a whim and I want to try and provide everyone with as many answers and as much insight as I can.
I understand the pain of not knowing and all the what-if’s that follow loss by suicide. So I’m going to do my best to answer any questions that you may have in this letter of sorts. I’m also providing you with links to resources that you may find helpful in the wake of my death (included at the end, if I so choose to end my life).
First of all, I want to preface this by saying that I do not blame anyone in my immediate circle that I regularly interacted with or conversed with.
Secondly, in my own opinion if I go - it will be self-euthanasia, and what I would consider to be revolutionary suicide.
Lastly, perhaps if the country in which I lived weren’t fascist and I hadn’t been subject to so much loss and trauma in my life - I may have more reason to live but under the conditions in the moment, it’s incredibly difficult to continue on.
Over the years I have considered writing a memoir but could never come up with a solid structure or subject myself to the torture that is remembering my youth and formative years.
My father is not to blame for how I was treated growing up, no he was a refuge and a safe person for me.
Rather instead, my mother heavily abused my good will and inability to say no out of fear of her reactions and the enormous amount of guilt she’d make me feel otherwise. I was her personal slave, pack mule and scapegoat all tied into one. I don’t think she’s ever loved me - she just pretends to get what she wants.
If you really want a list of the most significant traumas & major life events I’ve experienced, I will share that - but unfortunately, I cannot recall every last thing from my life.
1997: Born
2002: Both of my paternal grandparents died. I was very close with my Grandma D and I still miss her dearly to this day. Every time I drive past the cemetery in Canton, I tell her I loved her.
2003: Near the end of Kindergarten, my mother took me out of school for an entire month under the guise of visiting her ex’s Aunt D who had just been diagnosed with Cancer - instead during that time I was molested by her ex-husband (Bill), I was also given $100 from one of his relatives for an unknown reason which seems wholly inappropriate
2005: My maternal Aunt B died from liver cirrhosis due to severe alcoholism. Her death hit me particularly hard. The night we stayed in the hotel between her visitation and funeral, I remember having a vivid dream of her sitting up in her casket and asking why everyone was there and what was going on. It scared me nearly to death. I’ve hated funeral homes ever since.
2007: I was sexually assaulted and molested by another student in 5th grade (Marc Newlun)
2013: sexually assaulted and groped by another male student
2014: incredibly depressed, suicidal, & isolated
2015: Found sibling (J) after suicide attempt via OD. He was dead when I found him, medics were able to revive him
2016: Gallbladder removal, endometriosis diagnosis, got married, pregnancy
2017: Emergency c-section, started my transition
2018: Graduated with my Associates in Biology, I had gender affirming top surgery (bilateral double mastectomy + lipo)
2019: House fire, my friend died ( I held his hand as they took him off of life support and sat with him for several hours after)
2020: Quit college, COVID Pandemic
2021: Broke my R arm , I had a seizure, and a full hysterectomy
2022: Got COVID for the 1st time
2023: Grandma S, Grandma V died of health complications, B died by suicide - and our cat Khosh passed way as well
2024: Got COVID twice, worsening health and medical trauma, was severely traumatized by an ex who I had travelled to CA to help move who turned out to be insane, H.M. suddenly died due to health complications.
2025: The United States is a Fascist hellscape. My spouse’s Grandma S is dying and I’ve been providing end of life care, and everyday without fail she tells us that she wants to die. My heart is struggling with my PTSD triggers and stress and it’s holding me back from being able to actually live. I recently suffered a fall due to fainting because of my POTS. Mental health providers have been awful and want to delay care further with even more referrals.
Resources for Survivors of Suicide Loss